Yesterday Campbell, my big Rhodesian Ridgeback, Jonathan's beloved first ever dog and the little puppy we hand-picked from a litter six months after we got married in 2003, passed away due to what appeared to have been a heart attack.
And I've realised something. That terrible sense of de-personalisation I experienced at the end of 2010, where I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep while I was driving my car, where I felt a wash of both hot and cold adrenalin sweep through me and stop me breathing for a moment, leaving me shaking; that sense I had of trying to remember something ... the feeling so much that of a memory trying to break through, something that I should know but which was hidden from me.
Since yesterday it has been happening again. When I think of Cam's early years, when I remember how just last week he played with his doggy friend Tess in Bots and the wide happy smile on his face, when I look at his pink Eukanuba water bowl and remember that he won it in a lucky draw at puppy school... all these things cause that same hot and cold sweep of emotion through me. This time, though, I recognise it as grief. Cam's death has given me a name for that feeling, and allowed to me say to myself that, last year, that is what it was that I was trying to identify. It was grief. Nothing yet had been openly said by either Jon or I about everything ending, but I must have known it had, because the grief broke through the protective shell and swamped me then, terrifying me, sending me to the doctor for medication, to the therapist for emergency counselling.
So this is not just about the loss of my dear old dog. After all, all things considered, he had a happy life. He had a Mommy and a Daddy who loved him dearly. He spent the first six months of his life with a full-time Dad and leader of his pack, as Jon wasn't yet legally able to work in South Africa. He went to puppy school and for long walks every day. He had grandparents who loved him, and a beach house to visit where he ran on the endless sands and loved every minute. He slept at the foot of a bed for all bar a few months of his life. He ate the best food money can buy for dogs, and he had two little boys and two cats to be his friends. The last time I went away for a week with the boys, he had Angelena, whom he loved, come stay with him. His last illness wasn't long, and he was only in true distress for two hours, which is heartbreaking but not, in the greater scheme of things, too great a length of time.
So no, it's not just the loss of a dear companion and friend, it's not just that I remember him as a carefree puppy running on beaches and loving us with all his heart.
It's the loss of the marriage of which he was part, the loss of that happy, glorious beginning of something, that step into a new life that we had taken. It is the knowledge that there will be no more dogs for Jon and I, no further children between the two of us, no more homes that we share as a couple. It is the loss, brought to the fore again, of the life I thought I was going to live, the life I thought about so much before I undertook it, the loss of the old age I had pictured and wept over, where he and I would be old together, and how bittersweet that would be, knowing one of us would go first, and the other be left behind. Knowing that I made choices which made that life improbable and, now, impossible, makes it no less sad.
On a more mundane level, it is the loss, again, of all my routines. I remember the panic when I realised that my life with its comforting routines was going to be wiped away. I couldn't imagine a life where Jon and I didn't sit down together and read the boys a bedtime story. Despite it being the only time (apart from the school runs) that we were together, I literally couldn't imagine losing it. I was clinging to that as the only shred left of a normality otherwise long long since gone.
Now it is the same again. There is no-one to get up and open the door for in the morning. Will I even bother opening the door or will it stay shut till afternoon, when the boys get home from school? There is no-one to say goodmorning to, and get an answering tail thump in return. There is no hopeful doggy face to ask if they want their breakfast. There is no reason to open the door at night, to breathe in the spring air and glimpse the moon while I wait for wees and poos to be done.
This may all sound ridiculous, but in a new life where my children are only here every other couple of nights, it had become a routine. And a routine is comfort. Its very sameness allows you to get on from one minute to the next of your life.
I'm grateful that Cam was here to form a new routine with me when my world ended earlier this year. It is a gift he left behind; I know I have faced a change like this before and I will do it again. In three months I will be moving, from this house which has never felt like a home, and then there will be, hopefully, the chance to really start over. So I will be grateful that I can recognise the grief now as it hits me, and I will relish and love my children as much as I always have, and I'll plod on, missing my old boy but remembering him and all the good times he both represented and was part of.
ETA: Jon has asked the SPCA to bury Campbell in his own plot, with a memorial plaque. I may never go up there, but I appreciate so much that he has done so.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Spinning like a top
I am running from pillar to post today, trying to keep three projects in the air and complete the write-up on an inaugural lecture at the same time. Tomorrow morning the boys and I drive through to PE to catch a plane for Durban, and we have a week at my folk's house in Zinkwazi. Can't wait, even though I have lots of work to do while I'm there. On that note, I had better go and buy a laptop bag to carry this new shiny machine in. BBL
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Such a wonderful thing
That I heard today :) Someone extremely dear to me woke up today to the first positive sign she has ever had that her dearest dream can be a reality. A long journey still to go, but the start has been made! Praying hard still!
In other news, I have a new laptop running Windows so I can use Skype :) I have a new house to move into in December. The divorce has been slowed up by the parenting plan having to go to the Family Advocate as the social worker does not feel she has been closely enough involved in its drawing up and implementation to sign off on it. James had a wonderful 6th birthday, and both boys appear to be doing well, thank God. I am on an even keel after a horrendous, frightening week last month, and am hoping that it has made me stronger and more able to cope with these random sideswipes from life.
My therapist had a baby boy (yay! Love baby boys!) and is on maternity leave until the end of the year. She is so wonderful she phoned me While In Labour to let me know she couldn't make our session, and has called again since then to check on how I am doing. This is a woman with her first, newborn baby. Quite amazing and I feel very privileged to have her as my therapist. I did tell her to stop thinking about me now, I'm fine, and I'll see her in December though!
I have this crazy urge to watch SG-1 Season 3 episode 'Urgo' again. No idea why, but I'm going to take my supper of steamed veggies and instant pizza into the living room and do that very thing.
In other news, I have a new laptop running Windows so I can use Skype :) I have a new house to move into in December. The divorce has been slowed up by the parenting plan having to go to the Family Advocate as the social worker does not feel she has been closely enough involved in its drawing up and implementation to sign off on it. James had a wonderful 6th birthday, and both boys appear to be doing well, thank God. I am on an even keel after a horrendous, frightening week last month, and am hoping that it has made me stronger and more able to cope with these random sideswipes from life.
My therapist had a baby boy (yay! Love baby boys!) and is on maternity leave until the end of the year. She is so wonderful she phoned me While In Labour to let me know she couldn't make our session, and has called again since then to check on how I am doing. This is a woman with her first, newborn baby. Quite amazing and I feel very privileged to have her as my therapist. I did tell her to stop thinking about me now, I'm fine, and I'll see her in December though!
I have this crazy urge to watch SG-1 Season 3 episode 'Urgo' again. No idea why, but I'm going to take my supper of steamed veggies and instant pizza into the living room and do that very thing.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Oh the moaning...
Pollyanna tendencies aside, this has been a bit of a stressful week so far.
Friday my eye was full of a big red lump that had been insidiously growing since the surgery and was now too large to ignore. One quick visit to the lovely (seriously, he's a lovely man) optometrist and Jon, the boys and I were in the car on the way to East London, where the equally lovely opthalmologist agreed it wasn't much cop and, after dropping two drops of local into my eye, proceeded to cut the lump out. While I sat there, keeping my eye open totally without help. No strapping it open or anything. Luckily he moved so fast (and I only felt twinges of pain on the last two cuts) that I only got a bit shaky about it afterwards. Hopefully this has solved the problem. If, however, the granulated lump recurs, I'll have to have further full-on surgery. Holding thumbs it doesn't bloody come to that...!
Jon was a star, driving for around 6 hours, and the boys were stars too, sitting in their seats in the back for all that time. We had a quick look at my old school, and I showed Jon the two houses where I lived as a child.
The other exhausting thing about this week so far has been the migraines. The auras started on Thursday, and there's one most days. The bloody things build up, so that yesterday's one left a really nasty, sick headache in its wake. Thank heavens for Mici, who came round with anti-nausea pills and company to take my mind off the pain. And how wonderful that she thought to check with a pharmacist first, to make sure the anti-nausea medication could be taken with the codeine based pills I had already had!
Then last night we were fast asleep at 0130 when Nicky came in, climbed onto me and wee'd, hugely. The ensuing clean up and change took ages, was loud and woke up James into the bargain. So we ended up again with Nicky (a terribly restless sleeper) next to me and Jon in the little bed with Jamie. The upshot is that sleep since about 0200 has been a little fractured, and Jon and I have snapped at each other at least once this morning, and I've yelled at the boys at least twice, and it's only just 0700. We've all got colds and chesty coughs too. Oh, the joy of spring!
Now it's time to make dippy eggs and soldiers and fight off James, who wants me to read Richard Scarry just as the breakfast and school run kicks off. I need a clone, really.
make that two clones - one a mere vegetable growing me a replacement eye, just in case. Yuck. I know.
Friday my eye was full of a big red lump that had been insidiously growing since the surgery and was now too large to ignore. One quick visit to the lovely (seriously, he's a lovely man) optometrist and Jon, the boys and I were in the car on the way to East London, where the equally lovely opthalmologist agreed it wasn't much cop and, after dropping two drops of local into my eye, proceeded to cut the lump out. While I sat there, keeping my eye open totally without help. No strapping it open or anything. Luckily he moved so fast (and I only felt twinges of pain on the last two cuts) that I only got a bit shaky about it afterwards. Hopefully this has solved the problem. If, however, the granulated lump recurs, I'll have to have further full-on surgery. Holding thumbs it doesn't bloody come to that...!
Jon was a star, driving for around 6 hours, and the boys were stars too, sitting in their seats in the back for all that time. We had a quick look at my old school, and I showed Jon the two houses where I lived as a child.
The other exhausting thing about this week so far has been the migraines. The auras started on Thursday, and there's one most days. The bloody things build up, so that yesterday's one left a really nasty, sick headache in its wake. Thank heavens for Mici, who came round with anti-nausea pills and company to take my mind off the pain. And how wonderful that she thought to check with a pharmacist first, to make sure the anti-nausea medication could be taken with the codeine based pills I had already had!
Then last night we were fast asleep at 0130 when Nicky came in, climbed onto me and wee'd, hugely. The ensuing clean up and change took ages, was loud and woke up James into the bargain. So we ended up again with Nicky (a terribly restless sleeper) next to me and Jon in the little bed with Jamie. The upshot is that sleep since about 0200 has been a little fractured, and Jon and I have snapped at each other at least once this morning, and I've yelled at the boys at least twice, and it's only just 0700. We've all got colds and chesty coughs too. Oh, the joy of spring!
Now it's time to make dippy eggs and soldiers and fight off James, who wants me to read Richard Scarry just as the breakfast and school run kicks off. I need a clone, really.
make that two clones - one a mere vegetable growing me a replacement eye, just in case. Yuck. I know.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Blue Moon Sunday
I am feeling a trifle hard done by today. It's only 0600! And I have no right to feel this way; the person who does is finally getting some sleep in a real bed after a night spent hopping between the sofa and the single bed in the boys room.
Yep, the boys didn't sleep. Nicky was the main culprit. He went down at around 1930 but woke up crying at 2000, asking for us and refusing to go back in his room, let alone his toddler bed. So he spent the next three hours sitting with Jon on the sofa, watching kids TV for some of the time, and yelling and screaming any time anyone mentioned sleep, or resting, or snuggling down. He felt a trifle hot, so I dosed him with Ponstan, but that just seemed to chirp him up no end, dammit.
I lay in the bed (our room leads off the sitting room in this teeny tiny house) and tried to rest, but every time I dropped off into a fitful doze I was woken by shrieks. I remember waking from one very odd dream, where I was driving an amphibious spacecraft. It was a bit clunky, to be honest, but considering I had landed in water, I was glad to have it...
Anyway, Nicky woke Jamie up. So when Nicky finally fell asleep enough to be put into his bed, Jon had to go into the horrendously uncomfortable single bed with Jamie. Then Nicky woke up again, and had to go in with me. And he lies sideways and kicks, which makes sharing even a queensize bed a trial... Every time I tried to shift him, he woke up and yelled.
Then Jamie woke up for the day at 0430. Jon, bless him, kept his quiet so Nicky and I dozed on till 0530, but there was no holding them back after that. Thankfully Jon seems to have managed to get to sleep now, so I'll leave him as long as possible - thank heavens it's Sunday!
I did get sleep (albeit truncated and not terribly deep) so I should not be moaning, but but but... I feel like it. Sleep problems have been the hardest part to date about becoming a parent. Even though they do sleep through more than ever before now, there are nights where we are reminded of the sheer horror of learning that sleep is not the necessity it always seemed to be, but rather a luxury in an uncertain world.
In good news, I found a pair of sandals yesterday. I've been looking for some and these are just what I wanted. I'm terrible at shoe shopping, so to walk in, see a pair I liked and buy them was a big WIN for me. Yay!
More tea needed now.
Yep, the boys didn't sleep. Nicky was the main culprit. He went down at around 1930 but woke up crying at 2000, asking for us and refusing to go back in his room, let alone his toddler bed. So he spent the next three hours sitting with Jon on the sofa, watching kids TV for some of the time, and yelling and screaming any time anyone mentioned sleep, or resting, or snuggling down. He felt a trifle hot, so I dosed him with Ponstan, but that just seemed to chirp him up no end, dammit.
I lay in the bed (our room leads off the sitting room in this teeny tiny house) and tried to rest, but every time I dropped off into a fitful doze I was woken by shrieks. I remember waking from one very odd dream, where I was driving an amphibious spacecraft. It was a bit clunky, to be honest, but considering I had landed in water, I was glad to have it...
Anyway, Nicky woke Jamie up. So when Nicky finally fell asleep enough to be put into his bed, Jon had to go into the horrendously uncomfortable single bed with Jamie. Then Nicky woke up again, and had to go in with me. And he lies sideways and kicks, which makes sharing even a queensize bed a trial... Every time I tried to shift him, he woke up and yelled.
Then Jamie woke up for the day at 0430. Jon, bless him, kept his quiet so Nicky and I dozed on till 0530, but there was no holding them back after that. Thankfully Jon seems to have managed to get to sleep now, so I'll leave him as long as possible - thank heavens it's Sunday!
I did get sleep (albeit truncated and not terribly deep) so I should not be moaning, but but but... I feel like it. Sleep problems have been the hardest part to date about becoming a parent. Even though they do sleep through more than ever before now, there are nights where we are reminded of the sheer horror of learning that sleep is not the necessity it always seemed to be, but rather a luxury in an uncertain world.
In good news, I found a pair of sandals yesterday. I've been looking for some and these are just what I wanted. I'm terrible at shoe shopping, so to walk in, see a pair I liked and buy them was a big WIN for me. Yay!
More tea needed now.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Update
I'm not very good with this journalling lark, I've realised. I have LJ, a blogspot diary, a mailing list of friends and family and a Facebook account, and I seem congenitally unable to keep it all updated! Perhaps bullet points is the way to go...
1. Returned from a good but very busy week back in Durban. Managed to get Nicky's 18 month booster shots done. Rather relieved at this as he is, in fact, 25 months old and I had no idea he hadn't been boosted months ago. Thank heavens for the good records kept by his primary care nurse.
2. Managed to see my gynae. 'Nuff said. Except that he was very vocal on how Zuma's NHS plans are going to completely finish any semblance of decent healthcare in this country, which was scary. He reckons we have five to eight years before the collapse is final, however, which is a Good Thing, as we just bought a house and all and all. I am still not thrilled by the prospect of returning to the UK (our other home country) in the midst of a recession. Not to mention that they appear to have decided to introduce Big Brother style government on a scale which no doubt has Orwell rotating in his grave. What is up with that anyway??
3. Saw Kerryn, which was lovely, and ate Sprigs baked cheesecake on a chocolate brownie base, which was damn near orgasmic.
4. Got flu. Lovely Dr Pretorius couldn't be sure it it was swine flu or not, but recommended I not play rugby while suffering. I agreed to hold off on any urge to pick up a ball and run with it. Not hard, as I've never knowingly exercised voluntarily in my life. Left doctors surgery with a warm feeling - it's nice to be told your practice misses you :)
5. Worried about James and Jonathan getting tonsilitis. Due to family issues with strep, we now have to watch Jon like a hawk for possible signs of rheumatic fever recurrence. Praying no such signs are spotted in the next week or so, as we should then be out of the woods.
6. Shopped for clothes!! Bought lots and lots of lovely new things, and decided that, regardless of the fact that am now on a diet, needed to look good while dieting, so bought in the size most comfortable. After all, what else are belts for?
7. Indulged in huge bunches of jasmine everywhere. I love love love jasmine season.
8. Drove home (as a passenger) for 11.5 hours through Kwazulu-Natal, the old Transkei and the Eastern Cape, with two small boys in the back. Who were remarkably well behaved. And, we found, if you break the journey into two hour stages, you find the "are we in XXX yet?" questions far easier to deal with, as the name changes regularly.
9. Arrived back in Grahamstown and was gratified to find that we all felt strongly as though we were Home. After only five months of living here, we are really all settled and happy. It's a good feeling :D
10. Had three days of battering out some freelance assignments while flailing my arms wildly at assorted small boys yelling fruitlessly "I'm WORKING! I'll get you a hot chocolate/play Lego/put Mary Poppins on/find you the sticky tape LATER!"
11. Had eye surgery, just yesterday. Pterygium in right eye excised. leading to many family jokes about pterodactyls in my eye, and much excitement for the small boys have a "pirate!" for a mommy! I've already taken the patch off, however, and am alternating between opening and closing my eye while wearing my Good Sunglasses.
Whew... pretty much updated! And as soon as I get a moment I need to reboot this blog (after all, I don't think we're in Assagay anymore, Toto) and start posting more regularly. As soon as my eye is back to normal - see you then :)
1. Returned from a good but very busy week back in Durban. Managed to get Nicky's 18 month booster shots done. Rather relieved at this as he is, in fact, 25 months old and I had no idea he hadn't been boosted months ago. Thank heavens for the good records kept by his primary care nurse.
2. Managed to see my gynae. 'Nuff said. Except that he was very vocal on how Zuma's NHS plans are going to completely finish any semblance of decent healthcare in this country, which was scary. He reckons we have five to eight years before the collapse is final, however, which is a Good Thing, as we just bought a house and all and all. I am still not thrilled by the prospect of returning to the UK (our other home country) in the midst of a recession. Not to mention that they appear to have decided to introduce Big Brother style government on a scale which no doubt has Orwell rotating in his grave. What is up with that anyway??
3. Saw Kerryn, which was lovely, and ate Sprigs baked cheesecake on a chocolate brownie base, which was damn near orgasmic.
4. Got flu. Lovely Dr Pretorius couldn't be sure it it was swine flu or not, but recommended I not play rugby while suffering. I agreed to hold off on any urge to pick up a ball and run with it. Not hard, as I've never knowingly exercised voluntarily in my life. Left doctors surgery with a warm feeling - it's nice to be told your practice misses you :)
5. Worried about James and Jonathan getting tonsilitis. Due to family issues with strep, we now have to watch Jon like a hawk for possible signs of rheumatic fever recurrence. Praying no such signs are spotted in the next week or so, as we should then be out of the woods.
6. Shopped for clothes!! Bought lots and lots of lovely new things, and decided that, regardless of the fact that am now on a diet, needed to look good while dieting, so bought in the size most comfortable. After all, what else are belts for?
7. Indulged in huge bunches of jasmine everywhere. I love love love jasmine season.
8. Drove home (as a passenger) for 11.5 hours through Kwazulu-Natal, the old Transkei and the Eastern Cape, with two small boys in the back. Who were remarkably well behaved. And, we found, if you break the journey into two hour stages, you find the "are we in XXX yet?" questions far easier to deal with, as the name changes regularly.
9. Arrived back in Grahamstown and was gratified to find that we all felt strongly as though we were Home. After only five months of living here, we are really all settled and happy. It's a good feeling :D
10. Had three days of battering out some freelance assignments while flailing my arms wildly at assorted small boys yelling fruitlessly "I'm WORKING! I'll get you a hot chocolate/play Lego/put Mary Poppins on/find you the sticky tape LATER!"
11. Had eye surgery, just yesterday. Pterygium in right eye excised. leading to many family jokes about pterodactyls in my eye, and much excitement for the small boys have a "pirate!" for a mommy! I've already taken the patch off, however, and am alternating between opening and closing my eye while wearing my Good Sunglasses.
Whew... pretty much updated! And as soon as I get a moment I need to reboot this blog (after all, I don't think we're in Assagay anymore, Toto) and start posting more regularly. As soon as my eye is back to normal - see you then :)
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