Philosophy

There seems to have been some gloom around the last few weeks. I keep reading beautifully written blog posts all over the bloggersphere dealing with sadness. Someone suggested it was Mercury retrograde... could be.

It certainly seems to be universal. I've been hanging on wanting to come back here with a jolly, funny post about something jolly and funny, and two weeks have passed. Mind you, in my defence, I've been ill. Viral laryngitis followed by a week of cluster migraine which got so severe Jon had to come back from work and take me to the doctor to be made a pincushion of. Gah. I loathe, hate and detest migraines, and now that they're ba-ack I'm back to only just glancing at computer screens, not looking at faces for too long, not using mirrors, wearing sunglasses inside, keeping curtains drawn... anything to avoid triggering another aura.

I'm doing some other stuff too. I'm trying to relax, trying to lose some weight and get a bit more exercise, and I am NEVER EVER EVER again eating hard cheeses of any description. I know it triggers the migraines, but I got complacent, and ate cheddar. Boy, did I regret that.

So I have been a bit of a pale shade of blue lately. Just a delicate one. I used up my letting-off-steam coffee morning with Kerryn in bitching about politics, about which I am aware I know far too little to really be commenting on. I'm also guiltily aware that the other woman there has met me in a social setting precisely twice, and both times I've gone off pop about the same thing. I feel like I owe her an apology, and cherish a small, probably vain hope that she won't be saying to other moms she meets "Well, she's nice enough, but she NEVER stops moaning..." I don't usually worry too much about what other people think about me, unless I think I behaved badly, and, well, I do a bit.

Sometimes I envy these smug types*, with their certainty that the universe has a personal interest in them, wants the best for them, and can be pushed, prodded and prayed into a favourable position. My universe is far more independent, far less personal. I'm part of it, and a valued part, but I'm not the most important thing in it. When I was younger, this was enough. To be a part of a greater whole, individual yet joined together. I didn't need more than that. I had so so much less to lose.

I have a memory, of being 17 and of being in a combi being driven from somewhere to somewhere, and the driver going faster and faster. There were two of us standing on the seats with our heads out the sunroof, and we were whooping and laughing and loving every second. The feel of my hair (blonde then, much longer) whipping against my cheeks is very vivid. I miss that sense of power so immensely much sometimes, but it's gone. Absolutely gone. I am far more respectful, bordering on suspicious at times, of the universe now.

I know there is more in heaven and earth, Horatio, and I've had glimpses, but what, exactly, is it? And how do I stop being so afraid?